Federal Racketeering Charges

I have a story that unfortunately involves maths - a tale that when spun will reflect the true state of health care in this country. It's a story that isn't being told, isn't being acknowledged, and quite frankly, is making me sick to even think about it. So I'm going to share this story with you, dear readers, in hope that you also get sick.

I hope you have insurance.

Here's the story: a friend of mine recently started having these weird pains in her upper abdomen. She went to her doctor, who referred her to a specialist, who took an ultrasound of her entire chest area and decided that she was fine. The pains went away on their own. Diagnose as you will.

Either way, happy ending - right?

Except she then got her insurance bill, which she shared with me today, and which immediately gave me chest pains as I read it. The bill stated, quite clearly, that the hospital put a price tag of $2,700 on the ultrasound, an event which took all of 5 minutes to unfold (I know, because I took her and waited in the waiting room and didn't even get 3 paragraphs into a magazine article before she came bouncing out, saying she was ready to go drink beer).

The insurance bill then went on to say that the "negotiated price" for this event - for the insurance company - was $700. The insurance company then stated that my friend had to pay nothing - they covered this procedure - which is what we pay insurance premiums for in the first place.

Happy ending, right?

Wrong.

Let me be clear - this means that the hospital bean counters and the insurance company bean counters agreed that this procedure, which would cost you nearly three thousand dollars if you came off the street and asked for it - would be worth a quarter of that when payed for by the insurance company.

Let me restate this again, just to be clear. The hospital stated that the cost for this preventative measure - something that is designed to ensure the health of the hospital's patients - was a lot. The insurance company charges those same patients a monthly fee to ensure that they don't have to pay this amount. People who pay  insurance companies a monthly fee don't have to pay anything, as they have worked out a deal with the hospital to ensure this.

Or, put another way, you run a convenience store on some corner in some city. Doing so, you run the risk that hoodlums from the area may or may not decide on any given day to come into your store and randomly smash the items you sell with a baseball bat, rendering them unsalable. This, of course, would impact your profits negatively, and directly affect your ability to buy a Porsche for yourself. Or, you would have to raise your prices, and your customers would suffer. The Mob comes along, and guarantees that if you pay them a monthly fee, they will insure against hoodlum debauchery.

Nevermind how they can do this, they just can.

That, in Federal Government lexicon, is called "Racketeering". And it's punishable by many, many years in jail.

So can somebody please explain to me why this is legal when it's called "Insurance"? And worse still, why are we still even considering electing people to office that condone this type of behavior?

I'll go ahead and answer this for you. It's because everyone that runs for office is somehow oblivious to the fact that this is actually illegal behavior. The Republicans don't give a shit if people have to pay $700 or $2,700 for a procedure that might save their lives, as long as businesses don't have to pay out of pocket for it. And Democrats are trying to pass laws that require everyone to have protection, not thinking about who pays for it or whether it's really even needed or even legal in the first place.

We are the Greatest Country in the World, but also the last civilized country left that structurally links healthcare to our jobs. And instead of figuring out how to take care of the people that live next door to us, our organized government is arguing over who is responsible for paying the racketeering costs to keep the healthcare system running at its current high level of profit.

What the fuck politicos, do you think we're stupid????

Hmmmm. Apparently you all do.

Aaaaaand, welcome to the 2012 Presidental debates. It's an exercise in futility, so no wonder we fall back on black and white issues like Gay Marriage or Abortion when we decide who should be in charge. Because the truth is that we need to dump them all and find someone who is willing to call things like they are and fix healthcare for real and force the NFL to play even if the players and owners can't agree on whether a game is worth 3 or 4 million dollars to those who play it.

I give up. I'll be in Mexico if you need me...

Weird, Science.

Weird Science is, actually and probably, one of the worst and most cheesiest (albeit classic) movies ever made, ever, even compared to other 80's movies. Regardless, there is a lot to be learned from this movie, and most of that can benefit the female sex with regard to dealing with the male gender. I recently wrote a blog entry about how men can best win the affection of women, but so little is written about the opposite, mostly because it has little to do with anything except beer and blowjobs.

The truth is, everything women need to know about men can be learned from watching this (otherwise horrible, honestly) movie. Here are the top 10, for your convenience:

10) We want to feel like you will do everything we tell you to. And even if you do, we're still going to want other chicks more who won't do anything we want them to.

9) We like it when you cook for us.

8) Dressing in a man's shirt (while cooking) is one of the most sexiest things a woman can do.

7) "I am shitting in my pants!" is one of Robert Downey Jr's best lines in a movie, ever.

6) Women with British accents are really, really, really hot.

5) We will never understand that people will like us for who we are, not for what we can give them. But at the same time, we just want you to like us for who we are, not for what we can give to you.

4) A woman who reiterates to other people that we don't stand for baloney is a keeper, even if she's a bit mannish. Or old enough to be someone's grandmother.

3) We want you to push us past our comfort zones by taking us to nightclubs in which we don't belong, throwing parties in our house even though it'll get us in trouble, and standing up to people (like our parents) who we, for whatever reason, can't stand up to. But we'll still fight bikers when push comes to shove.

2) Even if we create you by connecting a Barbie to a car battery and hacking into an Air Force mainframe, we're still going to be more interested in impressing the alpha guys in the room than you, even if you do (or are) everything else in this list.

1) A woman who's primary goal is to make us a better man by bringing out our self-confidence and courage is the best kind of woman in the world. But she probably used to be a Barbie hooked up to a car battery, brought to life by an Air Force mainframe.

Bonus Observations:

- Ilan Mitchell-Smith is a lame replacement for Matthew Broderick.

- Mesh shirts used to be bad-ass looking on dudes, in the 80's. Now, they just look gay.

- Missiles are funny because they are shaped like penises. Doubly so during the Cold War.

I Love Family Guy