Forward Looking

There is a term: "forward looking", that in business describes a method of decision-making with the implication that it is strategic rather than short-sighted; planned instead of reactionary. This applies to all aspects of life, not just business. All too often people react rather than plan, deny rather than fix, flee rather than fight.

Since the start of the year I've been honestly and abrasively looking forward in my own life, comparing the path I've put myself on to the future I wanted for myself, and realizing that there were no roads that connected the two. What I saw was that I had been in deep denial about the future of the company I was working for, that I couldn't see a particularly fruitful or fulfilling future there for myself or my team, and more importantly, that I couldn't imagine leaving that job for a carbon copy of it, starting the cycle over again, not bettering my situation, instead simply moving it somewhere else, like I had done in the past, over and over again.

For 3 months, this realization, as well as my father's words echoing in my head (something about not leaving a job without having an offer from someplace else, or maybe it was about hatching chickens) kept me mostly undecided about what to do to fix this. I was flat out miserable, this I knew. I woke up every day dreading going to work, even though I worked from home and all I had to do was turn on my laptop or dial into a meeting. I spent time and energy looking for other work and talking with a few other companies, but nothing seemed like a step forward, instead everything seemed like a step to one side or the other. Like dancing.

Dancing around the issue, perhaps.

Rather than continue to tango with inevitability, then, I finally and simply handed in my resignation. I realized that as scary as it was, I had to terminate the abusive and unhealthy relationship I have had with my career. I needed to do this swiftly and unequivocally, leaving no room for greyness or misinterpretation. I decided to jump out of the airplane, and check for my parachute on the way down rather than dick around in the door and risk losing my nerve.

I realized that I still don't know what I want to be when I grow up. But I'm damn sure that it's not what I've been doing. I'm not cut out for the corporate bullshit, I want off this stupid ladder.

The thing is, Bob, it's not that I'm lazy, it's that I just don't care.

So the first step, now that I'm in free fall, is to clear my head. Reboot my mind. In order to do that, I need to restore my emotional and physical health. I have quit smoking, quit eating junk food, and quit drinking (at least for the foreseeable future). I will be exercising daily in an effort to get back into the physical health I was in just two years ago. I'm going to focus on the things that, while working, I never made enough time for.

Writing. Reading. Making music. Drawing. Crossword puzzles. Long motorcycle rides to nowhere. Hobby programming.

Like leaving an abusive relationship with a woman, I need to find myself, my own identity, and most importantly, my own values before I can move on to a new partnership. Nothing short of that would be right for me, or whoever I re-engage my career path forward with. It's terrifyingly exciting.

I won't be working for the Man ever again, because now I AM The Man.

But for now...

Lawrence: Well, what about you now? what would you do?
Peter: Besides two chicks at the same time?
Lawrence: Well, yeah.
Peter: Nothing.
Lawrence: Nothing, huh?
Peter: I would relax... I would sit on my ass all day... I would do nothing.
Lawrence: Well, you don't need a million dollars to do nothing, man. Take a look at my cousin: he's broke, don't do shit.  

- Office Space